Road Service to the Stars

Cosmic Rescue: The Moonlight Generations (2003) (コスミック・レスキュー ザ・ムーンライト・ジェネレーションズ)

IMDb meta-data is a runtime of 1h and 24m, rated 5.7 by 25 cinematizens. 

DNA: Japan.

Genre: SyFy.

Verdict: Stop the music!

Tagline:  Non-stop. 

The boring routine and madcap adventures of a 2053 NRMA space road rescue patrol number 89.  It is composed of three mop-tops who read comics, chew gum, spend hours on a coiffure while sweeping up debris.  They cannot even rescue themselves from boredom, and then…!    

Another corporate conspiracy is at work, but all’s well that…, well, ends.  

It moves so fast, there is no time to count the plot holes and character contradictions.   

It has inspired me to try to find the director’s The Library Wars to get an update on Florida’s war on knowledge where library proscriptions will soon be enforced by masked, armed thugs recruited from jails.      

Above the Arctic Circle

Arctic Convoy (2023) Konvoi

Internet Movie Data base meta-data is a runtime of 1h 48m rated 6.5 by 4,400 cinemazitens. 

Genre: War.

DNA: Norsk.

Verdict: Makes its point.

Tagline: Waiting is hard.

After mid-1941 much of the Battle of the Atlantic was fought in the far north, including the Arctic Ocean. That latter was the lifeline for the Soviet Union. This is the story of one lone Norwegian cargo vessel bound for Murmansk.   

‘Norwegian?’  Yes, Mortimer (he’s back!).  In April 1940 Norway had the fourth largest merchant marine and many of them had the most modern equipment (cranes, elevators, radar, and radios). The Norwegian Government in exile with King Hakkon directed its ships to make for British ports, and nearly one thousand did so. By fiat this government declared their crews ‘war sailors,’ conscripted for the duration of the war. They numbered about 30,000. The ships and men were incorporated as Nortraship which became the largest mercantile shipping company at the time.  

I said 30,000 men above, but let it be note that more than 200 women were included on the ships, radio operators, doctors, or navigators. The presence of a woman in the crew in this film has driven a few opinionators ballistic on the IMDb reviews, but it is true to life as five minutes of internet investigation revealed.  (The tired Hollywood trope of men fighting over her is completely absent. Fear does dampen the libido.)

The tankers of the Norwegian fleet had earlier fuelled the Spitfires during the Battle of Britain as they crossed the North Atlantic with Texas oil.  Later its ships stood off Normandy with supplies and evacuated wounded and prisoners.

The price was high: More than 10% of the sailors died, i.e., 3,700 including 25 women.  When an oil tanker blows up, everyone dies.  

In this story a series of mishaps (faulty intelligence, disrupted communication, equipment failure) heighten the latent personality conflicts within the crew of one ship.  The ‘Convoy’ of the title is scattered and we follow one crew of about twenty. When the British escort is withdrawn (in anticipation of attacking German surface ships that in fact did not materialise) tension among the crew increases and increases, because they are now even more vulnerable to German U-Boats and aircraft.   

The Captain is determined to complete the mission to help win the war, while the first officer (and the engineer) would like to retreat against the impossible odds they will now face alone. Dissension follows.  No one ever says the obvious, even if the ship reverses course to Iceland, the Germans may still attack.  

An air attack follows and damages the ship and wounds the captain, the weather worsens which is good (keeps the German planes down and the ice floes deter submarines) and is bad (ice threatens the ship). One crewman is killed in an attack, and another dies avoiding floating mines.  

None of the characters is Hollywood cardboard.  Each has reasons that make some sense, as even the Captain admits at the end.  

The outstanding performance is by the bug-eyed Swede (the only volunteer in the crew) as the gunner on the lone anti-aircraft weapon on the ship.  But the fear and trepidation among the crew is palpable, and, indeed, hard to watch.  

A Pale Blue Dot: A Tale of Two Stargazers (2021)

IMDb is a runtime of 17m, rated by 0.

Genre: SyFy.

DNA: Italy.

Verdict: Lost in space.

Tagline:  [ … ]

IMDb summary: ‘After thousands of years since the extinction of the human race on Earth, an astronaut named Gladia lands on the now uninhabited Third Rock. Gladia comes from a distant planet where the last terrestrial settlers found refuge, before forgetting their planet of origin forever. She finds one inhabitant, a robot that has inherited all of human knowledge has evolved and developed a consciousness. The two will fight each other first but then they will realise that they are more similar than they thought.’

Gladia makes a crash-landing that destroys her vehicle so she calls for road service only to be told that there is none from the low-bid contractor.  Ergo, no rescue but over the hologram communication Gladia is thanked for the service.  A typical corporate dismissal.  She is now abandoned by the company. Full marks for realism.

We begin to realise Gladia is being watched, and Gladia then becomes aware of it.  

I have nothing more to add.  If there is more, I missed it. Nor did I notice much stargazing, literal minded as I am. The titular ‘Blue Dot’ brings to mind Carl Sagan and that must have had a purpose.  But what it is I cannot say.

Will Earth be repopulated by Gladia and the Robot?  That should be interesting!  But we’ll never know.  

PS I wondered if that ‘all knowledge’ included the locale of all the missing socks from laundry.   

Alien Weekend (2024)

IMDb meta-data is a runtime 1h and 34m, rated 5.4 by 184 cineastes. 

Genre: SyFY; Species: Shaggy Dog.  

DNA: TarHeels (NZ Sons)

Verdict: Homage to Paul (2011).

Tagline: ‘Yes, Ma’am…Sheriff!’

Four women in their early twenties have a girls’ night out that turns out to be (inter)stellar when Dave crashes to Earth. Oops! 

Budget zero and imagination galore combine in a diverting 90 minutes.  Followed by Zombie Repellent (2025), runtime 1h 17m, rated 4.7 by 258 spoilsports. George Romero move over. It’s a cackle! 

Chamber Music dramedy!

Fullt hús (2024) Grand Finale

IMDb meta-data is a runtime of 1h and 24m, rated 6.5 by 177 cineastes.  

Genre: Comedy.

DNA: Iceland.

Verdict: Four hoots and one holler!

Tagline: Yin and Yang.

Reykjavík’s only chamber orchestra is going down the fiscal drain.  Its last diehard six members often outnumber the paying customers in the decaying concert hall it owns.  In addition to the musicians there is a stage manager cum electrician-handyman and a makeup artist who also does the tea and sweeps up. These eight depend on an Arts Council grant to keep up the façade of the theatre and the orchestra, but….  Yes the budget cutters are at it again. Around the world they have learned that cutting education and arts is easy and has little political blowback.  

The orchestra’s leader does not take no for an answer but that is still the answer.  No more Icy krónas are coming from the 400,000 taxlings who prefer rugby.  Accordingly, it is almost too good to be true when the one and only world-famous cellist born of Iceland announces in Tokyo that he is leaving the world stage to return home. Instantly Leader makes full frontal contact and they agree to a gala return performance.    

Yep, if it seems almost too good to be true, then in cinema it surely and certainly is. This cellist’s music is yang but he is yin: He makes beautiful music and is a scumbag.  Oh well, the show must go on, and the locals grin and bare it, literally in some cases.  All of that was predictable, but then….the unpredictable starts happening and goes on.  Delicious irony ensues when the puppeteer arrives with her staple gun. See it to believe it. Laughter follows. Much.

Not sure what to make of the implicit message though.  Does the music critic labour under cultural cringe so that nothing local can be good?  If an audience expects beautiful music then is that what it hears? Was the orchestra that good all along? Or did the challenge of working with a totemic figure bring out the best in them, and unite them (in crime)?  Also unresolved was the raised eyebrow of the chief of police.  

P.S. Stay in your seat for the coda!  

***

We saw it at the Scandinavian film festival aptly called ‘Go North’ in Leichhardt at the very comfortable Palace cinema. It started on time, the preliminary adverts were not nearly as numbing as they usually are at the Dendy Newtown nor were there any Hollywood kapow previews, and it ended without a fuss.  These facts contrast with the experience to the Czech and Slovak film Festival screening we attended a few months ago at the Dendy that started very late, featured the worst of Val Morgan advertising (!) followed by trailers galore, and had a long tail-end.  On the other hand the Czech and Slovak session seemed more a community event while the Scandinavian one felt like an advertising campaign.

Oh hum…zzz.

Sto let tomu vperyod (2024) Guest from the Future 

IMDb meta-data is a runtime of 2h and 21m, rated 6.0 by 1,300 cineastes.  

Genre: Sy Fy.

DNA: Russia.

Verdict: Meh. 

Tagline: CGIs UFC it out.  

Whatever the original idea was it is buried under the CGI slugfest.  The players are appealing in different ways, but, of course, and once again, Alexander Petrov steals the show as a drooling madman. 

Big budget cinematography and CGI gets attention which then wanes as the story dissipates.  Though many will find a welcome confirmation that the high school physics teacher of infamy was an alien all along! I know I did.  

Atta girl!

Worm Radio (2020)  

IMDb mea-data is 15m rated 6.7 by 11 cineastes.

Genre: SyFy; Species: DUST.

DNA: USA.

Verdict: Atta girl. 

Tagline: She won’t quit. 

A charming short in which a very determined tweenager makes it happen.  

An object lesson in making something out of nothing. One writer/director and one player plus an ramshackle station wagon and a barn make the magic happen.    

Holy cow! Yep.

Holy Moses (2018)

IMDb meta-data is a runtime of 15m, rated 5.7 by 182 cineastes.  

Genre: Unknown.

DNA: Northern Ireland / West Texas!

Verdict: Intriguing!

Tagline: Holy cow!

An Irish nun confesses her original sin, and then goes to work in a snowy field with a calf, which promptly vanishes. Poof! Cut away twenty-five years later to the desiccated scrubland of West Texas to see  there, in an empty roadside diner, a short-order cook cleaning a stove who hears a thump behind him, and turns to see…[hint, not a customer for an early coffee.]

But wait there is more after he telephones the sheriff and wanders around in a daze.  

The film is two halves joined by the calf, well that is the continuity.  I found it mysterious and compelling, perhaps, due to the urgency of the players, but there was no resolution. It seems from the IMDb there has been no further development, so having set it up, the producers didn’t know what to do with it, or could not swing the finance to do what they had in mind. Tant pis.  

Oh, did I mention the burning bush?  Or the man in the dog collar?

L’ultimo sole della notte (2017)

L’ultimo sole della notte (2017) The Last Sun of the Night.

IMDb meta-data is a runtime of 1h and 42m, rated 6.6 by 52 cineastes.

Genre: SyFy.

DNA: Italian.

Verdict: S-l-o-w.  V-e-r-y.

Tagline: oh hum.

In the near future a glum young man with designer fuzz goes about his dreary business in a barren cityscape. His blank look never changes. Italy is under siege both within as well as from without.  He lives alone in Safe Zone 13 (his wife is in Brazil on business and can’t return because of the crises) and we see only two other residents and hear references to a few more unseen.

We learn this much by flashbacks that are poorly sign posted and confusing as the characters wear the same clothes and look the same in the flashback past as the current present. Don’t film school schools teach techniques to signal this distinction?  

No, I never did understand the title. What some of it did was to bring to mind the last days of Salò Republic late 1944 or the Hot Autumn of the so-called Red Brigades of 1969.

Oh, and I would hardly call it SyFy but the IMDb does.  It is a fiction set in an alternative present.  

Vtorzhenie (2020) Attraction 2 : Invasion

IMDb meta-data is a runtime of 2h 14m, rated 5.4 by 6,600 cineasts.

Genre: SyFy.

DNA: Russia.

 Verdict: Oh hum. 

Tagline: He’s back.  

This is a sequel of Attraction (2017) discussed earlier on this blog.  It adds little to the story. This outing is mostly shoot ‘em up with the unseen aliens.  This confrontation seems to have been caused by Lazarus Romeo’s insistence on returning to Earth to copulate (off camera) with Juliet. So, that old Hollywood trope is vindicated: they have come for our women!  Cf. The Mysterians (1957), Blood Beast from Outer Space (1965), Mars Needs Women [1968], and Lobster Man from Mars [1989] to name too many.

Needless to say, the Russian arsenal — depleted in Ukraine — is no match for these aliens, and it is up to Romeo to thwart his own kind and save Earth. Thousands have to die so that Romeo and Juliet can do anatomy. Huh? Well, it made sense to the screenwriter sitting at a keyboard in a dark room in front of a blank screen with a deadline to earn the rent money. 

As with its precursor the acting and staging are excellent, though honours must go to the Madman (Alexander Petrov) who steals the shows with his wild-eyed drooling.  He is so much more, well, alive than the reborn Romeo who remains tall, handsome, and wooden. 

Alexander Petrov

There are minor amusements in the observations on life. (1) Google is here but does not have a hospital scene this time.  (2) The determination of people to snap selfies even as they are hammered to bits by the alien force was another. (3) But the best one is the effort of Romeo to buy twenty two-litre bottles of mineral water from a supermarket.  He has money; he knows how to shop, but he is in a desperate hurry to save the world…with water. (Yes, I know but see the above aside about the screenwriter.)  He fills a shopping cart with the bottles and pushes to the front of the queue at the check out desk.  As the clerk scans the first one, he say there are ‘Twenty in all!’  and slaps down the rubles to cover the cost.  

But no, the clerk has to scan each bottle individually and so he frantically passes them up to her and then throws them back in the cart, waving off her efforts to bag them. When the total costs comes up he pushes the rubles at her.

But no, she first asks for his loyalty card. ‘What? No loyalty card? He can sign up right now, and get a 5% discount on this, his first purchase.’ She begins tapping on the screen and asking his name, address,….  

By now he is jumping out of his skin, as she waits for his response because….  (In this case it is more like a tree shedding bark, but I could not quite work that in.)  

He takes off, leaving the money, and pushing the cart out to the parking lot, where….  Is his mention of Orion a tribute to an earlier and excellent Soviet Sy Fy film, Orion’s Loop [1981], discussed elsewhere on this blog?

Had he filled out the form, he would two hours later have gotten a text asking him to rate his experience at the check out!  Even as the world burns, data that will never be used is collected.  Is this the superpower convergence I used to hear about from pundits? 

The room full of silent generals we see once or twice made me wonder who was invading Ukraine if all this brass was drinking tea.