Category: Film Review

La nave de los monstruos (1960). (The [Space] Ship of Monsters.)

IMDb meta-data is 1 hour 23 minutes, rated 6.4 by 400 cinematizens.

Genre: Sy Fy; Species: Musical; Subspecies: Mexican.

Verdict: A Mexican musical science fiction film.  What more needs to be said? 

Two Venusian bathing beauties roam the universe in one-piece swimming costumes kidnapping frat boys in rubber suits, aided by Tin Man. Is this a good start, or what?! During a rest stop on Earth they meet a singing cowboy and it is love at first bite, for one of the beauties is a closet vampire with Halloween wax fangs. And that is just the beginning!  

There are no men on Venus because they have all died from dehydration in pissing contests, yet, well, they have their uses, so the Queen of Venus dispatched this duo to bring back some mating material.  They go hither and thither loading up with males of the species they encounter, per the rubber suits above. Some of them do, despite the odds, make the frat boys look good. (Sidebar: the lack of men on Venus has a history, see the Queen of Outer Space [1958] reviewed earlier on the blog.)   

Yes, this movie has everything, and then some more. Tin Man falls in love with a juke box, and that’s not the half of it. Meanwhile, the monstrous frat boys get loose and wreak havoc in Chihuahua. Not even the cows are safe. (You do not want to know.)  Señorita Vampire is so evil that even these monsters defer to her. But in the end lust conquers all as Tin Man and juke box exchange circuit breakers.  

Whatever the scriptwriter and director were on, there should be more of it. Just when I thought I had seen everything…!

Luis Buñuel take note.

I came across it in a blurry print on You Tube with some blurry subtitles, not that the latter make any more sense than the whole thing. For those who like their r’s rolled, the soundtrack is just fine.  This film makes Abbott and Costello Go to Mars (1952) look like dreary high art, however, after Tarkovsky’s Stalker (1979) it offers pleasant relief. 

N.B. Not to be mistaken for Gene Autry crooning to aliens in Phantom Empire (1935). If you haven’t seen this item — don’t.  It runs to 4 hours!  Four hours of this singing cowboy is cruel and unusual punishment.  No wonder it was divided into segments and served in small doses, otherwise there would have been no survivors at the candy counter. 

The Whip Hand (1951).

IMDb meta-data is runtime of 1 hour and 22 minutes, rated 6.0 by 596 cinematizens.

Genre: Sp Fy, not Sy Fy. Species: Paranoia, Red.  

Verdict: Zippy.

In Lake Wobegon the Reds are on the beds, not under them.  Adopting the approach of capitalism, the Reds have bought everything in town and set up a germ warfare laboratory.  All the paperwork is in order. Taxes are paid.  Zoning laws obeyed.

Believe it or not, one of the Reds is Perry Mason before he went to law school and got all self-righteous.  Too bad because he made a marvellous villain.  And he had competition in this picture because there is a string of villains from mouth-breathing grunters to oily salesmen to a blond adonis who whittles with a very big knife.  

Into this Village of the Reds one rainy night an intrepid newsman stumbles after clonking his head, and he seeks medical treatment for his split infinitive. The town doctor applied a Band-Aid and tries to send Newsie on this way, but the good-looking sister who peeled the Band-Aid is fly-paper, and the plot thickens.  

We knew from the get-go there were Reds about, but somehow after four years of residence Sister has not got it. No, she is not blind or stupid but a helpless creature of the scriptwriter who made her that way.  She and the Newsie set out to foil the numerous and well organised bad guys and don’t do very well when they rely on Olive (‘We be Texicans’) Carey.

But thanks to a footnote citation to his earlier work, Newsie calls in the FBI cavalry who arrive in time to hear the mad scientist’s speech at the end before he gets his just reward from some of his experimental victims. Seeing these cripples whack him with canes, crutches, braces, and walkers made me dream.   

Scifist 2.0 lists it but I am not sure what the Sy Fy element is. Germ warfare?  An intelligent Newsie?  The imperceptive sister?  Anyway that entry is why I sought it out and watched it.  

A quibble or two, or I do not get the title and I did not hear it used in the film. Maybe this intel missed the opening seconds of my attention span.  

It is offbeat and moves at a good pace.  I know there were post-production changes that led to a lot of re-shooting to please the then-master of RKO, and maybe some pages of the script got lost that explained the title.  

It opens with sledge hammer subtlety in Moscow with a scene in Russian without subtitles where a uniformed man rattles on in front of huge wall map of the USA and points at Minnesota in a meaningful way. Get it?  Is he tuning in to Garrison Keillor?

By the way such a long scene with neither subtitles nor an explanatory voiceover was daring for a B movie audience. 

On the subject of subtitles, it has been an article of faith in the Hollywood since the advent of talkies that subtitles are unacceptable to a mainstream audience. Hence the frequent use of voiceovers. ‘Article of faith,’ because there is no evidence. 

Battle Beneath the Earth (1967)

IMDb meta-data is an epic runtime of 1 hour and 31 minutes, over-rated 4.5 out of 10 by 811 cinematizens. 

Genre: Sy Fy. 

Verdict: Z.

That old saying about the China syndrome, remember it?  Well, the Chinese did it and following Interstates 80, 40, and 10 are planting subterranean atomic bombs from the west to east coast, starting – Gasp! – with Route 66. These reds are under everything, not just beds. The bombs won’t fit under beds, doh!

The only thing standing between these Europeans made-up as Chinese is Sinbad and a crew of ageing frat boys dressed in Army Surplus Store uniforms. Plenty of stock footage is included to cheapen this bargain basement production even more.  The plot is ludicrous enough for The Avengers of the same year, but played straight, serious, and numbing. 

When he goes spelunking Sinbad takes along a geologist who does not know what lava is. Ouch! Where did she get a PhD?  Trump University!  Wait, don’t blame her, blame the scriptwriter!  Besides we know Sinbad did not take her along for her big brain but so he would have someone to protect.  

The Z verdict above is for bottom of the barrel where I found this film. I was unable, well, unwilling to watch it straight-through, but did it in 10-15 chunks to manage the pain. 

It is an Italian production (don’t be misled by the Anglo pseudonyms of the crew) set in the United States with a cast of British actors.  No doubt tax accountants can explain that. There are a few expatriate Americans among the Brits, like Commander Stryker, which simply brings out the contrast even more. 

Instant Doctor (2020)

IMDB meta-data is runtime of 7 minutes, rated 6.0 by 33 cinematizens.

Genre: Sy Fy.

Verdict: A Brazilian gem.  

In the near future a man waiting for a subway train coughs and coughs, and then the train is delayed, and he keeps coughing.  Along the platform is an Instant Doctor kiosk.  He enters and AI takes over. Would he like a diagnosis? Yes. Result: bronchitis.  Would you like treatment? Yes. A vapour descends and his congestion clears, leaving him with a happy smile for only a few credits.  Then AI in the kiosk asked if he would like the second diagnosis? Second? Well, why not. There is time before the train is due.  The second diagnosis is…an inoperable, fatal brain tumour that will haemorrhage in 27 days and 3 hours with mortal results. That will be a further 60 credits. Staggering out of the automated kiosk he is no longer smiling and oblivious as the train pulls alongside the platform.

Deadly Mantis (1957)

IMDb meta-data is runtime of 1 hour and 19 minutes, rated 5.1 by 3,628 cinematizens.

Genre: Sy Fy; Species: Creature; Sub-Species: Bugs.

A classy Paul Frees opening voiceover goes on and on about the early warning systems against a Red surprise attack in 1957: picket boats, Pine Tree Line, and the DEW Line all funded by tax payers. The Air Force boys have many toys, and happily play with them until they discover they are on the menu for lunch. 

After 15 minutes on all those precautions and gizmos, it turns out none of them are relevant to the story that follows.  

An earthquake in the Arctic Circle vivifies a dormant creature for this feature.  See title above.  First two, then three, then more Air Force men disappear while the footprints of a gigantic…bug appear.  Paul Drake, magnifying glass in hand, is summoned from his office in the Smithsonian Institute. Alas, he is no Ed Gwen.  

Peter Gunn is the man on the scene for the Air Force and he has seen plenty on the scene.  He and Drake team up, along with a photographer who contributes nothing. All the military men are alert and dutiful, all the journalists are respectful and motivated by the greater good. Hence, we know it is work of fiction, where there are no slackers or careerists in uniform and no self-serving egoists in the Fourth Estate.

Some verisimilitude enters when the Mantis scare is denounced as a hoax perpetuated by Mortein to sell more bug spray.  Lacking, however, were free marketeers rushing to the lecture circuit to condemn the spurious crisis as another ploy by big government to emasculate hapless citizens by saving their lives, or Republican senators voting against doing anything and then denouncing the government for not doing enough.  That would be true to life; ripped from today’s headlines.

It is Them! with snow and without Sandy Descher but with the final showdown in a tunnel.  A discerning viewer will notice some differences. In this case the bug is not an atomic mutant. Ergo, the bomb-happy airmen need not feel guilty. Moreover, there is only one bug and not a swarm. Also this cliché has the mandatory helpless woman, a photographer, in need of manly protection. Cringe.

Peter Graves was unavailable. Too bad, his experience with grasshoppers would have been invaluable. All the Reds remained under the beds. Nor were any of those Air Force toys of any use! The men of the DEW line only proved to be a buffet for The Mantis.

It was entertaining, though the mantis was overexposed, and there were many repetitive scenes, especially of jet planes that seemed completely ineffective but the Air Force footage was free.  Drake gave up science later and went to work for Perry Mason. Peter Gunn’s mellow baritone carried most of the movie as far as it went. Mano à Mano is easier to watch than Red Snow which is more highly rated by the Human Comedy.  Like Red Snow there was some Arctic footage cut into the film from the same documentaries. Move over Roger Corman. 

Peter Gunn was not the dedicated scene stealer that his counterpart in Them! was. Not Marshall Dillon, the other one.

Red Snow (1952)

IMDb meta-data is runtime of 1 hour and 15 minutes, rated 6.6 by 58 cinematizens.

Genre: Sy Spy Fy.

 Verdict: 0. 

The Cold War is very cold on the Alaska side of the Bering Strait where Wild Bill Hickok and a cast of extras watch another, smaller cast of extras on the other, Red side. That is the top and tail of this D movie. In between, cut and pasted from two other, earlier movies, is a trek by loyal American Inuits to safety, after the Bad Reds have poisoned their food.  One of these earlier documentary movies, twenty years previously, featured the same Inuit actor who is in this 1952 patchwork film, one Ray Mala.  

The result is broken-backed with the two stories barely joined by a thread.  Still Hickok has that heartthrob smile, and the documentaries show another, white world.  Scifist 2.0 has the details of the quilt work for those who must know.  

The acting, well, what acting, because most of it is covered by narration – seldom a good sign but it saves a lot of money on sound engineering.  The closest we get to acting is from two of the Russki pilots who seem to think they are in a movie and should play their parts, a consideration that did seem to trouble anyone else in the cast.  

As usual, the comic relief is annoying, as well as superfluous. Probably played by the producer’s nephew.  

Then there is that Kremlin flyby at the end to pad things out and out.  

Bad Reds planting bombs reminded me that I have yet to endure the Z movie that is Battle Beneath the Earth, an Italian production, set in the USA with British actors. I have watched a few minutes of it on You Tube, because I cannot stand more than that in one sitting. One suspects the explanation of this instance of multinational cooperation lies in tax laws.  

The Net (aka Project M7) (1952) 

IMDb meta-data is runtime of 1 hour and 26 minutes, rated 5.5 by 158 cinematizens.  

Genre: Sy Fy; Species: Spy Fy.  

Verdict:  Not much Spy nor Sy fiction.

The Brits lead the world in…?  Good question. Anthony Asquith, the director of this film, certainly leads the world in his ability to make a movie out of screenplay with plot holes, meaningless digressions, and forgotten characters.

A team of scientists, who disdain the term ‘engineers,’ it seems, have developed the Vulcan long-range aircraft and installed ‘nuclear motors’ in it.  That’s it! That is what Brits lead  the world in – delta-wing aviation.  This one is sleek and amphibious (for some reason), though any engineer would tell these scientists that the drag on the surface of the water far exceeds the friction on wheels taking off from a runway. (For pedants, the only advantage of water-landing and takeoff is that no runway is needed.)  

The special effects of this zoomer and boomer are well done.  The top dog among the scientists is James Donald, woefully miscast as an action man, who makes the best of an odd role for this introspective, professorial type down to the elbow patches on the tweed jacket and all.  He has an international team around him. A meteorologist with an off-again, on-again French accent, an oily Herbert Lom (who steals the show) with his Czech undertone, a Canadian security officer who does nothing and does it in a loud voice, all under the direction of the redoubtable Maurice Denholm (who has been in everything – twice). Then there is that doctor, smiling and affable with one and all, and dark and sinister as soon as they leave.  

Denholm has an accident, and Doctor makes sure it is fatal, that in the first 15 minutes. Well there goes that.  We know the villain as the villainy gets started. The rest is anti-climatic.  Some screenplay. 

The script also includes a bed-ridden elderly man who dies.  A romance between the French accent and a shy scientist. The security officer does nothing. None of the above relates to the plot. 

There are references to cabin fever among the workers but nothing is made of this and they are at the pub seeking relief more often than we see them doing any work. And speaking of workers, we never seen anyone with a spanner. Those peons are not part of the show since they lack slide rules.  

Doctor can also pilot a supersonic jet. Was that an elective in Med School? Did Denhom fall or was he pushed?  We’ll never know. It is all very Cold War but there is only one cryptic reference to the ‘east.’  

It is on Scifist 2.0 because of the nuclear motors, and the nifty pressure suits the pilots wear, but really it is a domestic drama about a workaholic who neglects his fetching wife whom Lom covets, while the others practice their accents.

The other issue is whether the thing will fly, and well, I think, we all knew the answer to that from the get-go, British technology always works.  Remember the hovercraft!  Wait, don’t remember that. But then we never do find out about M1- M6 that preceded M7. Gulp! 

Captive Women (1952)

IMDB meta-data is 1 hour and 4 minutes of runtime, rated 5.1 by 120 cinematizens.  

Genre: Sy Fy; Species: Post-apocalyptic.  

Verdict: Drive-in fodder.

In AD 3000 women cook, clean, bear children, and obey husbands, or else. This Republican paradise was the result of a nuclear war as a narrator explains in the tedious introduction. 

The Mutants fear the Upriver thugs, while Norms mind their own business. Norms and Mutants fall into an uneasy alliance, until Mr Pomfritt betrays it. 

It is all swords and sandals as the Crips and Sharks battle it out, again and again and again. Robert Clarke earns another Sy Fy credit in more on the job training as an actor.  

Pomfritt has more than 388 credits on the IMDb between 1947 and 2014. Here he is an action man and a sneaky villain. Wholly miscast in either role, he is behind all that make-believe acne.

The direction is lifeless though a few of the players try to resuscitate it to no avail. Stuart Randall (pictured above with those two women in distress) as the chief Thug infuses his part with a conviction noticeably absent from everyone else. Any interest the screenplay might have had was lost in the director’s confusion.

The title must refer to the Sabine women because there are no captive women present, despite that egregious still photograph above. The Fraternity Brothers were very disappointed. They were hoping for some tips for getting dates with Kappas.  

Highly Dangerous (1950)

IMDb meta-data is 1 hour and 30 minutes runtime, rated 5.9 by 573 cinematizens.  

Genre: Spy Fy with some Sy Fy for spice.

Verdict: Fun.

Margaret Lockwood takes a train, again, and adventures follow, again.  An entomologist, she knows a bug or two.  James Bond was on hols, so she is recruited – ineptly – for a mission to darkest Rurantania behind the Ironclad Curtain because there are rumours of germ warfare developments there.  Bugs, germs they are all one to her.  It is all in the tradition of British amateurism of the S.O.E. (Look it up.)

To amuse her nephew she has followed the exploits on the radio of a super-spy called Conway.  (This must surely be a reference a Dick Barton alias.) When she agrees to accept the mission, instead of going to Torquay, she takes the cover name of Conway. 

Once in Rurantania she encounters a cocky American journalist and troubles follow.  Soon she is arrested and rather than being tortured – ‘So old fashioned; so unreliable,’ says the chief of the secret police – she is shot full of drugs, where upon — Spoiler alert — in delirium she becomes Conway, and soon escapes from prison, drags the confused journalist with her to break into the super secret germ warfare shed, steal vital samples, and abscond by – of course – taking the next train.  

For the time it is quite unexpected that she is the action figure, and the journalist tags along very reluctantly as she starts fires, cuts barbered wire, crawls through forests, drugs attack dogs, clonks armed guards, and pockets specimens of deadly bugs. Moreover, it is the only film from this period in which a man is not amazed that a woman is a scientist. This trope remains common in science fiction into the 1970s, but there is not a scintilla of it here. Credit is due.

Conway also took trains in The Lady Vanishes (1938) and Night Train to Munich (1940). According to the biography on the IMDb her father worked for a railway company so maybe she had a Lifetime Rail Pass. 

Eagle eyes may spot an uncredited Anton Differing at the train station at the end, wearing uniform well, as he always did. If there were an Oscar for uniform wearing it would be his.